Funny Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. Some guy says, "You've got a steering wheel down your pants!" The Irishman replies, "I know, it's driving me nuts!"

What do you call it when your butt's on fire?
Arson.

A brunette is standing on the kerb, shouting, "88, 88, 88!" A blonde comes up and says, "That looks like fun, can I join in?" The brunette replies, "Sure, but you have to stand in the middle of the road to do it." So the blonde stands in the middle of the road and goes, "88, 88, 88--" BANG! She gets hit by an 18-Wheeler. So the brunette starts shouting, "89, 89, 89..."

Two nuts walk into a bar, one is assaulted.

A blond walks into a library and asks the lady at the front desk "Can I have a cheese burger" and the lady at the front desk says "Mam, this is a library," so the blond whispers "Can I have a cheese burger"

A black man, a white man, a mexican, a cop, a firefighter, and a jewish guy walk into a bar and the bar tender says "Get the hell out" ~Kwts

What do you call 3 black guys pushing a car up a hill?
Black power.

What do you call 3 white guys pushing a car up a hill?
White power.

What do you call 3 mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand Theft Auto.

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street, and the brunette says, "Eeeew, look at that dead bird!" The blonde looks up in the sky and says, "Where?"

Two Irishmen are walking down a street, when they see a sign that says, 'Tree Fellers Wanted'. One of the Irishmen says, "Damn, there's only two of us."

Two blondes are walking through the woods when they find some tracks. The first blonde says, "These are elk tracks." The second one says, "No, these are moose tracks!" They argued for about half an hour, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

If you have any good ones, post a reply, or edit.

I like this. my most favorite one is the blonde joke. Nice.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:


1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

The annoyed salesperson roll s her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY’S ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


US ARMY MANUAL SNIPPETS
“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US
Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our
friend.” – U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very,
very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” –
U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” –
Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade
launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive
maintenance

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over
the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look
unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David
Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably
walking into an ambush.” – Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit
has ever passed inspection.” – Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a
minesweeper … once.” – Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant
you have nothing to do.” – Unknown Army Recruit

“Don’t draw fire;
it irritates the people around you.” – Your Buddies

(And lastly)

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
— U.S.A. Ammo Troop






Osama bin Laden sent Mr Bush a coded message to let him know he’s still alive:

-3 7 0 H S S V-
-0 7 7 3 H-

Bush is baffled even the FBI, CIA & NASA can’t decipher it.

They ask Britains MI-6 for help. MI-6 replies “tell the president he’s holding it upside down”!








Sorry. I'll stop now. -Dunny

Haha, nicely done. Military ones were lawl.

A man is sitting at a bench, holding a glass of green liquid. A priest walks past and says, "What's in the glass?"
The man says, "Acid. Hey, what's so special about holy water?"
The priest says, "I poured it on a woman and she passed a baby."
The man says, "That's nothing. I put this on my dog's ass and he passed a Ferrari."
_________________

A woman is having dinner with her husband, and their dog (named Spot) is sitting under the table. The man (who is eating baked beans) farts (naturally), and the wife says, "Get out, Spot!"
Later, when the dog is in the house again, the man farts once again, and the wife says, "Spot, get out!"
When Spot comes in again, the man farts yet again and the wife says, "Spot, get out before he s**ts on you!"

A bit later, the same couple are laying in bed. The man farts, then says, "1 nil". He farts again and says, "2 nil".
"What's going on?" asks the woman. The man replies, "Oh, I just thought I'd turn it into a contest." A bit later, the wife farts and says, "2-1". She tries to fart a second time, but instead s**ts herself. She then says, "OK, half-time, let's switch sides."

The next day, the same couple are out walking in the park. The man (who is about 2 metres behind the woman) sees a tennis ball and picks it up. Not having any pockets, he shoves it down the front of his pants. He catches up with his wife, who looks down and says, "What's that?" The man replies, "It's a tennis ball!" The wife says, "Gee, that sucks. I've got tennis elbow!"

Haha nice ^_^